Ari.

23, college student, history major.
exiled currently in Chicago 'burbs.
coffee is my lifeblood.
baseball is my religion.

anxiety/ED are discussed here but always tagged for your well-being :)

"If she had to lose anyone's mind, she figured it might as well be hers. At least then she'd know what was missing. And then, who knows? She might even have a chance of getting some of the better bits back."
-Carrie Fisher, The Best Awful
"

The second time I overdosed,
my body couldn’t handle it,
and I threw it all up.
I texted my dad saying,
“I think I took a little too many pills”.

And every time I’ve overdosed,
I always downplay it.
I’ve always tried to act
like it wasn’t a big deal.

That having the urge to swallow a whole bottle of pills
was something daily that normal people do.
My dad hurried home and saw the empty bottle
and he shook me to make sure I was awake.
I kept mumbling “I threw it up.. I threw it up..”
while I was drifting off to sleep.
He had to wake me up every 15 minutes
to make sure I was okay.

Let me tell you now,
it is a big deal.

The third time I overdosed,
I slept through first and second period
and passed out in the counselor’s office.
I didn’t want to go to the ER.
I just wanted to go home.
All I wanted to do was sleep.
Again, I just said,
“I think I took too many pills this morning.”

The fifth time I overdosed,
my dad found the empty pill box.
I hallucinated, I had a fever.
I couldn’t move my legs.
All I could do was scream,
“Don’t take me to the hospital this time.
I don’t want to go!”

I became friends with a girl who had overdosed
she’s one of my best friends now
and when I heard she was hospitalized as well,
it just makes me realize how real this problem is.

A couple months ago, another friend of mine overdosed.
Do you realize how fucked up it is,
that I’ve done it so many times
that I know the exact procedure that she’s going to go through?
She messaged me saying,
“I took a bunch of pills,
but I just realized I didn’t want to die.
I don’t know what to do.
Help.”

And I’m screaming at her over the screen
that she should throw it up and call 911
because sometimes when someone you love
decides that they hate the world,
that’s all you can do.
You can’t teleport through the phone.
You can’t travel through the internet.
You can’t be there to hold them
and take them to the hospital.

Your love is not charcoal that can
absorb all their poison in their life.
I know, love that you would have done all you could.
Sometimes words aren’t enough.
Sometimes love isn’t enough.
Sometimes a person needs to try dying
to know that that’s not really what they want.
There’s nothing you could have done.
You’ve done all you could.
Just keep loving them.

But you see the thing is,
I got lucky.
I’ve made it back from 5 overdoses
without a scratch on me.
But that’s not always the case.
My favorite teacher’s stepdaughter
locked herself in her room and overdosed.

To this day,
her stepmother still has a scar on her heart.
To this day,
on the anniversary of her death,
her stepmother still stays home from school
on the anniversary of her death.
Her sister is in a bad mental state,
and so is her biological mother.
Her family has fallen apart.

You overdose because you think
you will get a peaceful release from death.
It’s not peaceful.
It is not like falling asleep.
It is convulsions, vomiting,
muscle spasms, fevers,
and sharp stomach pains.

An overdose is not instant.

Hollywood has you believing,
that an overdose
is how a lady should exit the world.
As quiet as she came in,
Peaceful and unnoticed.

You will go out kicking and screaming
and wishing you hadn’t taken them.

"
6:03 p.m. (I think I’m done overdosing)
Monday, July 28, 2014

I love Helena because I feel like as much as she is crazy, her upbringing was so vital to who she was. I think because she was trained as a killer and ripped of her humanity, even in those kind of circumstances, we’re still human. We’re still people. We still have love. We still have fears. We still have deep needs and deep human needs, and for me, that was the most exciting thing to explore with her: Where’s the humanity in her? To me, it was that she actually loves deeply. She loves insanely and obsessively. And she… not falls in love with Sarah, but she does in a way. I don’t mean that in a sexual or romantic way, but she falls in love with Sarah and needs her deeply and feels this connection with her. Sarah awakens something in her, because she recognizes herself in her. - Tatiana Maslany

I love Helena because I feel like as much as she is crazy, her upbringing was so vital to who she was. I think because she was trained as a killer and ripped of her humanity, even in those kind of circumstances, we’re still human. We’re still people. We still have love. We still have fears. We still have deep needs and deep human needs, and for me, that was the most exciting thing to explore with her: Where’s the humanity in her? To me, it was that she actually loves deeply. She loves insanely and obsessively. And she… not falls in love with Sarah, but she does in a way. I don’t mean that in a sexual or romantic way, but she falls in love with Sarah and needs her deeply and feels this connection with her. Sarah awakens something in her, because she recognizes herself in her. - Tatiana Maslany

"The worst part about anything that’s self destructive is that it’s so intimate. You become so close with your addictions and illnesses that leaving them behind is like killing the part of yourself that taught you how to survive."
L.L (via fleurthorn)
Sunday, July 27, 2014

I got about four-five hours of sleep, woke up feeling absolutely dreadful, an cancelled all plans to do anything.  I am now craving a run in the worst way.

Today I thought I looked kind of good and wanted to take a picture of this rare occasion, but none of the pictures came out well.  It’s more depressing than it should be.  Well, I guess it’s understandable considering the last few weeks.

My mom and I went out shopping today.  At Target, I picked up the most comfortable shoes ever.  Most, though, I hated myself for trying to search through clearance dresses and jeans.  My waist is three times smaller than what my boobs call for.  I am three sizes bigger in shorts than in jeans.  Skinny jeans fit me until I get up to my hips.  I erase every thought that follows because it’s nothing but harmful, disordered shit.

My mom’s talking about the spring, and she’s unknowingly triggering the issue that ate me alive yesterday.

The more I think about school, the less confidence I have in myself.

Frank Thomas’s HOF speech was lit’rally the highlight of my day - his immediate teary-eyed composure, the White Sox fans exposing themselves as…White Sox fans, the epic call out list.  The ‘06 A’s part  also reminded me how much I miss baseball.  I miss it.  I miss it a lot.

I poured a bunch of sweetened condensed milk into my coconut mocha coffee, and it’s the only thing I have that’s keeping me grounded right now.  When in doubt, cry into your coffee 

"Queen of Disaster" by Lana Del Rey

lavie-enblanc:

"Queen of Disaster" by Lana Del Rey

Saturday, July 26, 2014
Friday, July 25, 2014
"It took many years of vomiting up all the filth I’d been taught about myself, and half-believed, before I was able to walk on this earth as though I had a right to be here."
James Baldwin (via knowledgeequalsblackpower)
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
"Whenever someone tells me
that they are proud of my progress,
I hope someday that my first reaction is
not to slip into regression
just to prove to them
that I still hurt."
Tuesday, July 22, 2014

toopaletofunction:

staythatswhatimeanttosay:

One nation, under Canada, above Mexico.

with liberty and justice for some 

 
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